tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79932229926708438252024-03-13T06:41:00.098-04:00The Timid ChanteuseBreaking down all barriers to self fulfillment and expression.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.comBlogger97125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-21077595723626478582015-01-05T21:40:00.004-05:002015-01-05T21:42:44.906-05:00Day 3 of VloggingSo I'm continuing to vlog this month. I just have to remember that I will get better at this. What I don't like is that I have let myself go. I know I can look better on camera than this. I don't even look like my profile pic.<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/W1d83w37H0I">http://youtu.be/W1d83w37H0I</a>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-37347362359054940792015-01-04T23:07:00.001-05:002015-01-04T23:07:32.582-05:00So...I've decided to start VloggingI have a lot to learn before I make a presence on YouTube, but Rome wasn't built in a day, and we all have to start somewhere.<br />
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<a href="http://youtu.be/UsfWRfVt5OY">http://youtu.be/UsfWRfVt5OY</a>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-49046757627260592062014-04-20T00:45:00.000-04:002014-04-20T00:45:07.778-04:00Embracing AmbiguityI guess the time has come for me to "walk the walk" so to speak. I am always talking about embracing the unknown, and letting the chips fall where they may. I would normally consider myself good at it, but lately I've been put to the test, wondering if a guy is interested in me or not.<br />
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It is hard to imagine that I would even sit here wondering without just asking him, but I think my fling from last summer (which turned out to be a flop) has me gun shy. In that instance the guy was misleading me regarding his intentions, all the while asking me to stay around, and pretending to be honest because he "did not want to mislead" me.<br />
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I guess time will tell. I have some lessons to learn about living and loving without a disclaimer, and my chance will come soon enough, and just in time.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-60823514670054261122014-03-16T11:46:00.002-04:002014-03-16T11:48:03.524-04:00My body is a blessingOnce again I am feeling ill, but instead of a horrible stomach flu I have come down with an extremely annoying but not completely immobilizing head cold. What is even more curious is how being ill has lead me to spiritual insights once again.<br />
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I have been doing affirmations for a few weeks now, and in the past two weeks I came up with a new one, "My body is a blessing." At the time, I really wanted to re-frame some of my thinking about obstacles I feel I am facing not only in singing, but even in work, my search for romance, and just about every current endeavor. I have really been trying to internalize the concept that my brain and my body are not my true essence, they are vessels. I am a spirit that chose these particular vessels to experience life through for hopefully 90+ years. <br />
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Today's insight is rooted in Eckhart Tolle's assertion in <i>A New Earth</i> that we must realize that like digestion, thinking just happens. Breathing just happens, we don't have to tell ourselves to breathe. In the same way, we don't tell ourselves to think, thinking just happens. We either identify with the thought and go on that tangent, or we make a shift and go on another tangent.<br />
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So last September I made a shift. Besides not identifying with thoughts that said my brain and/or body was disordered, I really wanted to be focused on my true essence, my higher self, and the realm of infinite potential. It occurred to me that there was a disconnect between the part of me that stood in awe of miraculous healings, but felt that my own physical "failings" were somehow different, and a source of struggle. I somehow believed that fighting them would be my source of insight, and perhaps in an unexpected way it has.<br />
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This morning I really didn't feel like I could chant and meditate. I could basically only breathe through my mouth, so it definitely seemed like chanting a sutra or two would be out of the question. But a part of me was also up for the challenge, so I sat down and tried it. Thankfully I had a "half-spent" incense that was left over when I had to rush off from an expedited chanting session to get to work the other day.<br />
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I told myself that I would sit there until the incense went out, and at the least, try to be centered. But as I sat there I said to myself, "My body is my blessing." Then I said it aloud, and before I knew it, I was full-on chanting! I came back around to saying all of my affirmations, and realized that the incense and long since burned out.<br />
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It was only then that I realized how much being ill had taken over my consciousness...but then I realized that it actually had only taken over my thoughts. I may have identified with those thoughts, but affirming that <i>my body is a blessing</i> extinguished them completely. I began to affirm that my body is healing and can heal itself. Strangely enough, I've been able to breathe through my nose ever since then.<br />
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Maybe it was the incense, or maybe the universe just said yes to my affirmation.<br />
<br />TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-45090507179894579472014-03-02T23:33:00.001-05:002014-03-02T23:33:01.535-05:00Purpose-Driven GPSI'm laying here drifting in and out of sleep watching the Oscars. Without one ounce of envy for the trappings of fame, I had a truly aching moment where I felt as though I truly want my life, my presence, and my efforts to serve a purpose in someone else's life. I am surely not unique in this desire.<div><br></div><div>It actually came when Bette Midler was singing Wind Beneath My Wings. I thought to myself, who would sing that song to me, or at least feel that way about the place I had in their life. (Besides my mom, sister, or grandmother.) <div><br></div><div>I want to know that my life was more than tending to my own biological and spiritual needs, and filling my financial needs with work. I chose to give my work some meaning by choosing the field of HIV/AIDS, so I do get some intrinsic benefit from that. I certainly don't want to seem like a complainer.</div><div><br></div><div>I don't even take this as a reason to despair, I see it more so as a signal from my inner GPS that I need to redirect. As I type I realize that there are probably stars and starlets sitting in that theater who hoped for or maybe even received a golden statue, yet are no closer to the feeling I'm searching for. Maybe they don't know who would sing that song for them either.</div><div><br></div></div>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-45948472818718394822014-02-05T10:56:00.001-05:002014-02-05T10:59:53.561-05:00Grace Under Pressure...things I learned from Youtube and Food PoisoningI had been meaning to blog about this video, it has profoundly affected me ever since I watched it.<br />
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It seems like awkward chemistry in the interview, but I found this video after seeing clips of Caroline Myss talking with Oprah. There is so much in this video that is useful, but in her critique of a lot of New Age thinking she bashes the overuse (or perhaps inappropriate use) of the word energy. I must say I've been guilty of it, but I'm really only using language filtered down to me. She suggested that we instead use the word grace, noting that a nap cannot replenish energy, but prayer does. That concept was instantly etched in my mind.<br />
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I had the chance to see this first hand with my recent bout with food poisoning. After 12 hours, I was dehydrated, tired, and bedraggled. I still thought to myself, this is the opportunity to put this idea into practice. I sat down for some brief chanting and meditation. Did I instantly have energy? Nope. Did my illness go away? Nope. Did I find peace in a distressing moment? Absolutely.<br />
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I also felt wiser for the experience. I began to think about how time can ravage a body, how illness can ravage a body, or even how we can be distracted by the day to day realities of our body and the physical world, but all the while, grace is still there. The higher self is still there to help you find peace. <br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/GARZKhEMNOo" width="480"></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-85723354061861263572014-01-29T09:18:00.001-05:002014-02-05T11:00:24.987-05:00Wherever you go, there you are...Today is my last day at my job as a medical case manager. As I start my day, I realize that I truly have been lucky to have so many second chances in my life so far, including being able to come back here to work as a case manager.<br />
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I'm glad that I've grown enough to now know that second chances may not always come, which makes me all the more grateful that I get to return to my old workplace in public health and continue working in the fight against HIV/AIDS. <br />
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I've learned so much in the years since I worked there the first time, and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. But one of the best lessons came just a few months ago when my mom told me that if I didn't start learning to be content, life would make that happen for me. That's when I realized that dreaming and contentment are not mutually exclusively states of mind. Contentment can keep your mind clear to see the signs you need to make your next step, it doesn't mean you will forever stay where you are. Life so far has taught me that striving to make the next moment happen has just kept me running in circles.<br />
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Be happy right where you are, because wherever you go... there you are.<br />
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<br />TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-39175876686707184592014-01-27T23:05:00.001-05:002014-01-27T23:05:25.110-05:00Naima Mora - BUDDHIST IN AMERICA (+playlist)<br /><br />
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Sometimes you just know there is something you like about a person, but can't put your finger on it! Naima always felt like a soul sister to me when I was watching her on ANTM...but it's obvious what it was...She's a Nichiren Buddhist!<br /><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/3rrmvyO506I" width="480"></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-14112380221412603612014-01-26T14:48:00.000-05:002014-01-26T14:51:23.313-05:00Compare and Despair ... Words To Live By<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I never disappointed when I spend a Sunday afternoon Livestreaming <a href="http://agapelive.com/" target="_blank">Agape International</a>. I used to watch every Sunday and Wednesday until I started having to work on Sundays. Lately I've just been watching when I felt particularly in need of a good message, but today's service just BLEW ME AWAY.<br />
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First off it blew me away because of the timeliness of the topic -- "Compare and Despair: Be Great if You Dare". I have been dealing with the "demon" of comparison a lot lately, and especially this weekend. I guess it could seem like a trivial coincidence.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>If I can't pick up on the little signs I'm definitely going to miss the big ones.</b></span></div>
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Right before I sat down to meditate and chant, a still small voice told me to livestream. Even though I initially didn't listen, and started googling about other stuff after my session(which I will be blogging about later), I kept getting this urge to tune in and I eventually did. Somehow I had waited the perfect amount of time for Dr. Beckwith's sermon, and it could not have been more clear that the universe was speaking to me this morning! But even more than that, I'm glad that I listened.<br />
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One of the most enduring things he said was that if I am not "me", then what I have to contribute gets lost to the universe and it isn't whole. As I sit and think about that, it is a curious phenomenon that I can watch a documentary about bees disappearing and see the importance and connectedness of one bee "doing its thing" and pollinating flowers while looking for nectar, but the importance and connectedness of one human life (namely mine) gets lost.<br />
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I feel most disconnected from my dream when I get lost in comparison, and then bury my despair with some numbing activity (ie...facebook, youtube, reality tv, or entanglement in friends' drama; which often leads to more comparison). Comparison truly is what I think I battle the most. I look at Oprah, or Mandela and get so inspired with what one person can do with their life coming from very meager circumstances. If the deep urge or message that spoke to me were anything but to make music, then I may not be as terrified, but for me, the thing that requires the biggest battle and discipline is the thing I can't let go of.<br />
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I used to want to do nothing else in life but make music. I practiced hours and hours, and learned to play the trumpet, clarinet, and even the bassoon (albeit briefly because it drove my mother crazy). Music felt like it was a part of my soul, like I couldn't express or understand an emotion fully unless I had a musical soundtrack with it. I knew I wanted to make music then. I was such a creative child. I designed clothes, made paper dolls with full interchangeable wardrobes, I wrote songs, made clothes for my dolls out of old clothes. (Thank God I grew up before the Internet!) Where did all of that go?<br />
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Even as I type, the shadow that comparison casts on my life has become more apparent. We live in a society that doesn't value art, and in the most benevolent way, people steered me, and many of my schoolmates towards things that would actually get us a job. I was in a Math, Science, Technology magnet school, and comparison and competition was the name of the game. We magnet kids were made to feel better than the neighborhood kids that went there, and within the magnet program it was an all out competition to be on top so that you could get into the best high school and beyond.<br />
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Maybe I feel entitled to always feel successful at what I do because of that experience. Comparison in the past has crippled me by always expecting to be successful, and comparison has been crippling me lately because I see people who are ahead of me, and how I got behind and lost along the way.<br />
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The best thing about the sermon is that it breaks down the pitfalls and faulty logic of comparison. For me, it doesn't matter who is singing and promoting themselves on facebook or social media, they are fighting their own battles that I know nothing about. If they haven't done their own soul's work, they may attack and jeer, despairing in their own abyss of comparison. <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I have to do my own soul's work, so that when people see me doing my thing and shining my light, they can see and feel The Presence. </b></span></div>
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But I have one goal now...and that is to reclaim my divine inheritance. <br />
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<br />TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-20868886241649206742014-01-18T13:39:00.001-05:002014-01-25T07:55:20.265-05:00My life in metaphors...This morning before meditating, I decide to read some Rumi. I didn't have any particular attachment or prior knowledge about this poem in particular, but a lot of times I like to randomly open a "sacred" book, and take in whatever I read as an auspicious message about the present from "the universe" (God, Spirit, or whichever label I'm using at the moment). So this is what I read today... <br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span id="yui_3_14_0_1_1390065745698_691" style="font-size: x-small;"><span id="yui_3_14_0_1_1390065745698_688" style="font-size: small;"><i>These words of mine are no
stones<br />To pick and throw at passing fancies.<br />They're yeast-sounds, bread
waiting<br />To be broken whilst they're still fresh.<br />Leave them overnight and
they become<br />Hard as rustling bolts, not fit for eating.<br />My verse is
harboured in lovers' hearts.<br />Expose it to the indifferent world<br />Busy with
its traffic and it chokes to death.<br />Like a fish it swims in the lover's
blood.<br />Land it on the rocks and it gasps for life<br />Then it slowly dies,
cold and still as an icicle.<br />You must be rich with metaphors.<br />Like an ore
of gold waiting to be mined<br />If you are to digest my words <br />When they're
fresh. Know this, <br />My friend, it's nothing new,<br />These words are
turned to bliss when you<br />Read them with your own imagining
heart.</i><br />(Rumi - Divan 981 - "Words of Paradise" - Raficq
Abdulla)</span></span></blockquote>
Instantly I could see myself being 22 again, talking to my therapist about conflicts I was having with my boyfriend at the time. I was pouring my heart out to him, so I thought, never getting anything back in return. I would write letters, and emails, with the most beautiful language and metaphors (so I was told by him), but he had no idea how to respond. After bringing one of my letters into my session and reading it to her, she pointed out to me that she could understand why he would have a hard time responding because what I had written was full of symbolism and metaphors, but short on actual emotional confessions. Thankfully, I no longer have any of the evidence...<br />
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What became clear to me is that somewhere along the line of becoming an adult who can keep a roof over her head and still have some time to have fun (when not working two jobs), my life has lost its metaphors, and damn it, I want them back! At 22, I was a person "rich with metaphors" as the poem says, undeterred by conflicting evidence and practicality. I had no real convictions, no discipline, just dreams. As I approach 35 I realize that one of the big changes I need to make is to resurrect that 22 year old, or maybe dig back even further.<br />
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The benefit of approaching 35 is that a lot of questions my 22 year old mind had about my future have been answered. I have become a professional woman doing meaningful work, and looking good while I'm at it. I haven't found a companion in life but I finally realize that's not the end of the world. I never became a good housekeeper, but I've become a great cook. Most importantly of all, I have found my way back to spirituality, albeit a long way from being raised a Jehovah's Witness.<br />
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I really think this poem, at this moment in my life is asking me, how can I truly be spiritual, and know the I am connected to everything, without loving the metaphors? What benefits will my spirituality have for me in creating anything musically or artistically if I am not a welcoming vessel for fantasy and symbolism? I read over these lines several times in particular:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i><span id="yui_3_14_0_1_1390065745698_691" style="font-size: x-small;"><span id="yui_3_14_0_1_1390065745698_688" style="font-size: small;">My verse is
harboured in lovers' hearts.<br />Expose it to the indifferent world<br />Busy with
its traffic and it chokes to death.<br />Like a fish it swims in the lover's
blood.</span></span></i></blockquote>
I think on a certain level I was already moving in this direction without knowing it, which makes it all the more auspicious (I love this word, one of my favorite words in the English language). I've been limiting my time watching political shows, limiting my time on facebook, finding more time to connect with people and with Spirit.<br />
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On the most basic level I've been struggling with dreaming big, and at times feeling childish to think that something magical can still happen, and will happen in my life. But I can't escape who I am, and in my gut I really do believe there is more in store, even bigger than I can imagine, if I just get rid of the junk and negativity.<br />
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I still find it hard to believe I've been able to do some of the things I've done, but back when I lived in metaphors, the money mysteriously came from "no-where" to "now-here" (thanks, Wayne Dyer for that), a person's heart changed, my heart changed, my life changed.... I think somewhere along this path my logical brain started taking credit for that, or at least diminishing the mystery and synchronicity of those moments.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I can't let go of dreaming. I must nurture my lover's heart. </b></span></div>
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I want to sing, but I don't have to fill stadiums on a world tour like Beyonce. It feels like I'm cheating myself not to dream that I can, while at the same time it feels ridiculous to dream that I can, especially being almost 35 and still afraid to sing in front of people. I don't even think that level of fame is anything I want out of life or out of making music for that matter.<br />
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I can't dream half a dream, so my dream of singing is inextricably tied to something more huge. I'm not sure if I expect to get there or not, but what I've learned today is I can't stop dreaming big just because I'm afraid that not achieving the dream is going to destroy me. I need my 22 year old heart, and maybe my 12 year old imagination back.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"I wake up with new dreams every day. So the more I can do to channel
that into things that I love to create is healthier for me and probably
for everybody around me. And the older I get, the earlier I get up. The
second my feet hit the floor, I'm awake. I'm like hurry, hurry. I just
love life. And I feel like we ain't got but a certain amount of time
anyway. I want to make the most of all of it." -- Dolly Parton (Source: Reader's Digest -
January 2006)</i></blockquote>
In the end, I must dream the dreams I have today and do what I can to make them happen, because tomorrow brings a new day and a new dream. The better I get at bringing them to life, the better I will get at dreaming.<br />
<br />TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-38130370378829283832014-01-13T21:08:00.002-05:002014-01-18T13:56:54.849-05:00Don't die with your music still in you..This is not a post about death. Although I did attend a funeral today, my thoughts are actually centered on life, and more importantly, living. At 34 years old, on this day, the difference is finally apparent to me.<br />
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As we approached 2014, around early December 2013, I really felt as if I had gone mad. Not foaming at the mouth crazy, not mentally or emotionally unstable either. Truthfully, I felt as if my logic and tenacity had led me to an illogical and distracting conclusion. To put it simply, after earning a Bachelor's Degree, starting a Master's Degree, working for a couple of years, then earning a degree in Cosmetology, I decided that the perfect way for me to lay the groundwork for eventually singing would be to go to Nursing school in the evenings, while working a full time job during the day.<br />
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I finally had a Susan Powter moment with myself...."STOP THE INSANITY"<br />
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It helped that my friends mom, upon hearing the news of my newest educational endeavor, told him that I would one day be the most educated unemployed person in America. I was really pissed at first, but then I realized....she was right....almost...<br />
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I had to really think about what I was trying to achieve or prove by doing this. I realized that I love the "pats on the back" that I get from doing what others think they can't do. Sure, I have all the grace and compassion to tell people "If I can do it, you can do it" But in the end it was all covering up something deeper.<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I am still afraid to dive in, sing, and make music.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">I started this blog in December of 2009 as a way to make myself accountable, to put myself out there, and to even "put that energy out there" so to speak. I named my blog "The Timid Chanteuse" because that's what I felt then, like I was just on the verge of getting over my fear, and all I needed was to whisper that to the universe, (and the few readers I had) and magically it would happen. I sometimes hear people talking about "putting that energy out there", which makes them sound really spiritual, when it is usually connected to some materialistic desire.</span></span></div>
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What I realized last month, is that what I needed was to "put that energy inward" instead of "out there". No matter how many times I heard it, it has taken this long for me to realize that the only true change comes from inside of me. Studying nursing is going to make me a nurse...not a performer. Seems like simple logic for someone with a Master's Degree. Why not take those thousands of dollars I was about to pay out of pocket (because after a Bachelor's, Master's, and Cosmetology diploma I can't borrow anymore) and go to a cabaret workshop, find a better voice teacher, take piano lessons....</div>
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So, I quit my second job that was making me miserable, and have gone back to the basics. Meditating twice a day, reading a book called <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/The-Practicing-Mind-Developing-Discipline/dp/1608680908" target="_blank">The Practicing Mind</a>, </i>turning off the lights and all electronics at 11:00 (no matter what). I'm practicing the piano, vocalizing, and looking for a new voice teacher.</div>
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As for the title of the post, I was watching Wayne Dyer's <a href="http://youtu.be/PBdf0sCXYJI" target="_blank"><i>The Power of Intention</i></a><i> </i>last night<i>,</i> and felt awakened by his discussion of <i>The Death of Ivan Ilyich</i> by Leo Tolstoy. I was busy taking notes when he stopped me in my tracks by saying "Don't die with your music still in you..." Even though he was speaking in general terms to the audience, the deeper meaning of that moment was not lost on me.</div>
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Contemplating life is not living, researching singing and wanting to sing is not singing. The funeral I went to was moving and beautiful because a man had lived life fully and given of himself to so many people. No one can be touched by a life lived in my head, a song sung in my imagination. No one will eulogize all the things I kept wrapped up in my head.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I commit myself to putting energy inward, so that the music can flow out.</i></span></b></div>
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TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-16036291253297580072013-08-05T10:42:00.000-04:002013-08-05T11:00:35.313-04:00Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge Reflections: Day 1 - Miraculous Journey<br />
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<b>Today's Centering Thought: Today I am open to the presence of miracles </b><br />
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<b>Question 1: What miracles have you already experienced in your life?</b>
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<blockquote>
It has been a miracle to be who I am without any apologies. I have a loving family that supports me, great friends, and meaningful work. I couldn't have imagined at 22, when I started transitioning, that my life would eventually feel so normal. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I was so afraid of living a life that went against the grain. Afraid that my life's potential would be diminished just because I needed to live a personal truth that many people would find immoral, bizarre, trashy, and possibly even arduous. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I have been so lucky to be able to visualize something and have it come to fruition when people around me are perplexed and doubtful. I guess the biggest miracle I experienced was being born with a resilient spirit, and being shown how to make the best of everything.
</blockquote>
<b>Question 2: Make a list of the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and the world around you that might be inhibiting your ability to see miracles in each day?</b>
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<blockquote>
I believe that some people don't want to see me succeed because they are aware of my abilities. </blockquote>
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I believe that some people think I won't succeed because they doubt my abilities. </blockquote>
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I fear that I will never experience the open mind, heart, and loyalty that I have for my family and friends in an intimate relationship. I keep trying to accept that I will never have that relationship, but my spirit disavows that thought at a gut level. I fight this battle with myself. </blockquote>
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I feel like I've made so many job changes that no one will hire me into a position that will sustain me financially and use my best assets and skills.
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<b>Question 3: What steps can you take to open yourself to the experience of miracles? Be very specific.
I will know my worth, at work and at home.
</b>
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I will stop living life with a disclaimer. </blockquote>
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I will step up when I can do something and be noticed. </blockquote>
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I will trust that what love I put out there will come for me in due time. </blockquote>
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I will ask people how they think I block my blessings.
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<b>Journal: Please use this section to reflect on today's session</b>
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I recently have been trying to remember that giving is not the same as taking. Giving and receiving are simultaneous. It is the law of circulation. I want to open up myself to receiving in the knowledge that miracles can happen again, just as they have happened before. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I learned today that I have spent too much time focusing on what I don't
have: money, a relationship, more fulfilling work. At the same time I
feel like I also don't want to survive on crumbs, emotionally,
financially, or professionally. It is a battle that is zapping my energy </blockquote>
<blockquote>
I forget the miracles I have seen in my life and in other people's
lives. I forget how many times things have come together mysteriously,
and changed my life for the better.</blockquote>
TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-42108040000457653932013-04-20T00:12:00.001-04:002013-04-20T00:19:07.970-04:00The band aid is gone...After what felt like the ultimate heartbreak last year, I can face the uncertainty of love and romance without fear. No crying over missed phone calls, no compromising my needs and boundaries to become what someone else needs. I can peacefully play the game many have played before me and will play after me.<br />
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The wound I thought had destroyed me has opened me up. I can wait with baited breath, for the right one to come along, or for him to realize he has found me. <br />
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I finally know what I have to offer, and what I need in return, at least for now. But most of all I know how to listen, not to the cacophony of other wounded love warriors, but to the voice inside me, which resonates on one tone, that has gained its brilliance by absorbing energy from the light.<br />
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What I am seeking is seeking me...I must be patient and pay attention. <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHxa26PPMvcQry_O7Z1ndIELyeIJ3fiiNN9qCTfQLMeZb69rme5K4M_Ud2bulxIDIhjjXIejTKWSnks5axupCld1G6BmDrXE_btHjppYds-pomvnrnt1Nux5tMpoFFe5OFV7bTxzjcTdu_/s640/blogger-image--2124579120.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHxa26PPMvcQry_O7Z1ndIELyeIJ3fiiNN9qCTfQLMeZb69rme5K4M_Ud2bulxIDIhjjXIejTKWSnks5axupCld1G6BmDrXE_btHjppYds-pomvnrnt1Nux5tMpoFFe5OFV7bTxzjcTdu_/s640/blogger-image--2124579120.jpg" /></a></div>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-19919007258245024462012-09-08T20:16:00.000-04:002014-01-25T08:21:02.132-05:00Taming the beastI'm hoping I haven't lost "all" of my readers, but even so, I plan on gearing back up and posting regularly, and hopefully gain even more readers.I feel profoundly changed by the events of the past few months, all for the better. Even though I lost a connection with a person I believed to be the love of my life, the reality of the situation, and his deception have brought me to life more than anything else has in recent years. So, it has been all sweet, nothing bitter, even though I do have to catch myself when I occasionally refer to him as "that lying asshole in California."I finally found a singing journal I started keeping in January of 2008, and I've decided to read it and post some reflections about how far I've come since then. The last entry is from June 16, 2009, when I was on my way to Bangkok. One feeling I get from it as that I haven't stayed focused on singing and making music, even though as I wrote then I had enormous optimism that I would keep the momentum. That is very telling, and actually helps me realize that I need to get my act together now and get my priorities straight.<br />
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I wrote a quote in there on February 7, 2009, about identifying your bete noire, the thing we avoid because it frightens us or can bring us harm. I included the following quote,<br />
<blockquote>
You want to be the handler of your beast, instead of its prey.</blockquote>
I feel like the prey of my dreams and aspirations as times. I'm always running, even though in my mind I'm running towards the thing I want, but the effect is that I feel more estranged and exiled in the end. It has become clear to me that what I am to do now is just stand still. I need to confront my bete noire, not run from it.In that same entry I re-quoted Thoreau from an earlier entry on July 7, 2008. Even though I didn't hold this quote in my memory, I can look back and know that I followed its advice.<br />
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If one advances steadfastly in the direction of his dreams and endeavcrs to life the life he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.</blockquote>
Reading that quote makes me feel a little better, because I at least know that all the big decisions and many of the little decisions I've made since then have been in service of my dream regardless of whether I can clearly see that they are leading me to my goal.I will keep advancing in the direction of my dreams, hopefully with increasing confidence, and eventually with success unexpected in common hours.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-64561773785751839922012-06-05T17:18:00.001-04:002012-06-05T17:49:51.521-04:00Praise the lard and pass the butter.<br />
Taking a break from my blogging sabbatical because I came across something today which has been soooo profound that I think it will change my life.<br />
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I've been looking into traditional/ancestral diets after all the press on the failings of modern nutritional science regarding low fat diets, and how massive amounts of toxic sugar have infiltrated our diet to make us "healthier." I am resisting dietary conspiracy theories, although I think that food and drug companies benefit greatly from the confusion and misinformation.<br />
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What got me on this lifestyle change was Robert Lustig's video <a href="http://youtu.be/dBnniua6-oM">Sugar: The Bitter Truth</a> which I conveniently happened to hear about a couple of days before he appeared on 60 Minutes. I've been sharing the 60 minutes video with family and friends because it is so accessible, and it leaves them in shock and awe, whether or not it makes them put down the soda. As I learned in my public health classes, people are more likely to think they'll win the lottery than get lung cancer from smoking. Just substitute any of today's chronic diseases (which have skyrocketed since our low fat diet craze) for lung cancer and smoking with a sugar and processed food.<br />
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I have gotten more intense in my search for information this week, and thankfully so. With all this time on my hands waiting on my impending move across the country, I've been able to let my mind meander through a lot of the information in the videos I've seen, and none have been more impacting than the two videos I'm posting below.<br />
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I've battled with anxiety, depression, and ADHD symptoms for a very long time, and at times, it seems depressing to think that there will be no end to it. I have intuitively known that things I was eating had obvious effects on my mood and physical well-being in the negative direction. I prefer animal fat and protein and vegetables, I eat less and feel better when I base my diet on them. Yet I have gone against intuition (and the French paradox) because people tell us it is healthy. Yet at the times when I ate Lean Cuisines every day and fast food no more than twice a week, I was to told my LDL and triglycerides were higher (though still in a "healthy" range), and had an EGD, cystoscopy, and colonoscopy before I was even 31.<br />
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In the end I'm only left feeling that everything is all in my head.<br />
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I hope that there is a tidal shift in nutrition recommendations for the sake of all people out there who are suffering in similar ways, at the hands of well meaning doctors, nutritionists, and corporate executives. Our bodies replace 98% of our atoms every two years, so physically, we really are what we eat! Hopefully it won't take two years for me to feel renewed.<br />
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In the meantime, I'm eliminating gluten, and following a semi-Paleo diet. I never would have expected myself to go gluten free, and it is so trendy that I hate the sound of it. However, the pieces of the puzzle seem to be coming together. I've always thought that I had irritable bowel syndrome, but always blamed it on my anxiety. I've intuitively stayed away from bread and sweets (confirmed by my grandmother) because I always felt mildly ill or bad afterwards. I've dealt with the incredulous looks from bosses and friends when I needed to go home early, or didn't show up due anxiety and/or gastrointestinal issues. Another memory that sticks in my head was throwing up immediately after eating a lot of chicken flavored seitan, during my barely tolerable 30 day attempt at being a vegetarian.<br />
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Too many people are eating the wrong things, unfortunately with the best intentions. So praise the lard and pass the butter, then put down that Coca-Cola! Actually put down the Coke first!<br />
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This first video is of Dr. Terry Walls at her TEDx talk. She cured herself from a debilitating case of multiple sclerosis purely through nutrition and an ancestral diet.<br />
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The next video is of Nora Gedgaudas presenting at the Ancestral Health Symposium. She is the author of <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Body-Mind-Beyond-Health/dp/1594774137/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338930256&sr=8-1">Primal Body, Primal Mind</a></i>, a neuro-feedback practitioner, and her presentation led me to this AHA moment. I will definitely be buying her book, and healing myself in the meantime. Your brain is bio-electric, and your psychiatry emerges from that.<br />
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<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/oEhLhqZjddg" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-33361286315307853282012-02-26T12:52:00.005-05:002012-02-26T13:07:24.021-05:00A brief hiatus....I've been out of commission lately for a few good reasons that will be revealed in the months to come. I'm about to embark on some monumental changes that are long overdue and will certainly impact my life and this blog for the better.<br />For those few faithful followers, please stay tuned, don't remove me from you rss feed or subscription service. MANY better things are in store. Although I am going to take a brief hiatus, I will be back with a vengeance.<br /><br />See you in May.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-77976443288299404242012-01-14T18:36:00.004-05:002012-01-14T19:15:29.201-05:00Word You Shouldn't Say Today: Half-BreedIt's 2012 people, if you have words like "half-breed", "octoroon", "mulatto", or "quadroon" in your day to day working vocabulary, you should probably work hard and fast to decrease your vocabulary size. You can replace all of those terms with the words biracial or multiracial, or better yet, don't use those words to describe a person if it isn't relevant.<br /><br />In this wonderful town that I grew up in and currently live in (Louisville, KY), it is completely acceptable to be a media personality (<a href="http://www.whas.com/pages/MandyConnell.html">Mandy Connell</a>) and use the word <a href="http://www.whas11.com/community/blogs/political-blog/Mandy-Connell-apologizes-for-calling-Obama-half-breed-100169904.html">"half-breed" to refer to our current president</a>. You need only apologize and you will suffer no consequences.<br /><br />This comes as such a shock to me because I've never actually heard the word used except in a Cher song. (A song that I love by the way.) You would think that if this word were in common usage I would have heard some bigot or ignorant person use it at some point, but I haven't, and I've heard some pretty racist things in my time. She claims, of course, that she didn't mean it in a derogatory way, but that is of course complete bullshit. (Pardon my French.)<br /><br />There are so many things I love about Kentucky, but the backwards, ignorant complacency is something I can't live with. Thank G-D I'm getting out of this place soon. Now I can't even listen to local radio (except NPR, of course, but is that really local).<br /><br />Post Script:<br />After writing this, I went back to the article and discovered that this happened about a year ago....I guess 84 WHAS doesn't update their website enough. I clicked this link from another article about something that happened today. Even though that makes this story old news...it doesn't make it untrue. It happened and there were no consequences. This is Kentucky.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-52033643964096482752011-12-20T15:42:00.004-05:002011-12-20T16:02:36.596-05:00Why I've been missing in action...So, I am trying to figure out how I am going to tackle my goal of blogging about <span style="font-style:italic;">The Case for God</span>. It is a more dense book than I expected, and I've been putting off posting despite the fact that I'm three chapters into the book. I definitely prefer my posts to be personal rather than scholarly, so the challenge for me will be to switch between the sides of my brain. I also don't want to get out of the habit of blogging, and I may just work on these posts "in the background" and post them later, and keep blogging about my other random thoughts in the meantime.<br /><br />In the meantime, I enjoyed this cartoon about lighting Hanukkah candles and thought I would post it...<br /><br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/dQrP_DscnCo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-79425108045367141352011-12-06T16:55:00.004-05:002011-12-06T17:14:56.415-05:00Making my case for god....or notToday I ordered <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Case-God-Karen-Armstrong/dp/0307269183">The Case for God</a> by Karen Armstrong, and I plan on blogging about it in detail in the weeks and months to come. I'm currently suspending my conversion plans, while I spend more time fleshing out my concept of God and religious practice. I always felt like I had a good idea of what my concept of the divine was, but I think that reading the "case" she makes for God and comparing it with will give me more direction.<br /><br />I've written before about how much I love Karen Armstrong, and I can't believe it took me this long to finally get this book.<br /><br />More to come...<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YtpF94Fjue4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-20655576623314190142011-12-05T13:08:00.008-05:002011-12-05T14:50:52.490-05:00I truly can't care any less....not capablePeople always tell you the less you care, the more the guy seems to care. I always have wondered if that is a hard and fast rule. If anyone out there is a regular reader of this blog, you know that about 2-3 weeks ago I was bent out of shape over not really talking to my guy for 2 days. Here I am again, bent out of shape over another night not talking to him (with no advance notice or explanation).<br /><br />My friends have said that they think it's so cute that we talk every day for a couple of hours. I think that when you're 2,500 miles apart, that's the only thing that fosters a real bond. Could that be why it bothers me so much when we don't get to talk?<br /><br />Part of what bothers me the most is that I called, but never got a response. In fact, I was sent to voicemail after four rings three times. The logical part of my brain can think of reasons he couldn't get to the phone, or needed to concentrate on something, but common sense tells me that I deserve an explanation.<br /><br />I refuse to accept the label that I am needy, the word some of the online advice columns have used to describe this behavior, which is, of course, most often exhibited by women. One male advice columnist says that calling a guy back and texting to follow up after he doesn't respond will make the guy feel that you are needy and turn him off of the relationship. You're supposed to move on, find things to do, and the guy notices your absence and then calls you. In the process he also learns that you are an independent woman that can stand on your own. Is this really true between two people who say they care about each other and are making plans to be together?<br /><br />Am I a worrier? Yes. But I am far more likely to think something bad has happened to a person than to think they're up to no good. Unfortunately everything just escalates in my catastrophic imagination from that point. I get hurt feelings, I feel rejected, and spiral into seclusion thinking that I'm crazy.<br /><br />I feel like I should take this guy's advice and let him call me back, but it doesn't feel natural to me to not try and contact him and keep our pattern of communication going. I can't help feeling hurt that he hasn't bothered to follow up with me yet either. I can't stop myself from caring that I haven't heard from him.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-50315780286624821862011-12-04T22:22:00.002-05:002011-12-04T22:27:27.718-05:00Making ProgressGreat news!! I am down a dress size. I went to Marshall's to get gifts, when I saw a couple of things I couldn't pass up. I took them to the dressing room in my normal size (which was beginning to get too tight) and had to go back and get a smaller size. <br /><br />To say that I am pumped doesn't even do it justice. I don't care about the scale as much, just the measurements !!TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-57523083303401651342011-12-01T10:55:00.005-05:002011-12-01T11:51:04.577-05:00World AIDS Day: Do Ask, Do TellIt's been thirty years since a rare cancer was noticed in homosexual men, and on this World AIDS Day I think about the loss many people in my generation don't feel because they didn't see their friends dropping dead left and right. Neither did I for that matter, but I've done many things to inform myself of what happened back then, and I devoted several years of my life in service to the HIV/AIDS community both as a volunteer and employee.<br /><br />Because I LOVE music and harbor a secret desire to be a transgender singing sensation, I always find myself imagining what the world would be like if AIDS had not taken Sylvester from us. I remember being a teenager and staying up late to watch HBO because that's when the more "mature" content came on. There was a clip of a troupe of drag queens in New York dancing to a song that I found so captivating, which turned out to be "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real". The image of them dancing freely and being themselves etched itself in my mind, and at the time I had no clue who sang the song.<br /><br />Years later, I of course found out all about Sylvester and what happened to him, and in the process discovered other artists, such as Klaus Nomi, who were enormously creative and also taken from us by this dreaded disease. I can never imagine what it must have been like in those early days, but I am glad that I have taken the time to honor those who were around then and ask them for their story. My generation of GLBT folk benefits from what they went through and the pain they felt that sprung them into action.<br /><br />Today I will celebrate those who have left us, be thankful for those who are still with us, and most of all, and honor those who have fought and are fighting this dreaded disease.<br /><br />So, in celebration, here is one of my favorite clips of Sylvester<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/xoVfLsGE83o" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />And here is a clip from <span style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/aids/view/">Frontline: The Age of AIDS</a></span> chronicling those early, early days. You can also watch the whole program online, and it is well worth it. <br /><br />If you don't remember those days...ask somebody. If you do remember those days, don't let the rest of us forget.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-47857076743824315962011-11-20T19:22:00.004-05:002011-11-20T19:36:38.404-05:00Up, Up, and AWAY !!I'm always checking the PBS website for new videos to watch, and this one caught my eye. It is about people who go to crazy lengths to get frequent flyer miles. Oddly enough, I can see myself doing mileage runs. I have the time on my hand, and unlike most people, I enjoy being in airports. Besides that I'm slightly obsessive and enjoy the stimulation. I would do it for a couple of months just for the hell of it, although I'm still not sure what the point would be. Beyond that it's probably not the wisest use of my money seeing as how I don't have a car.<br /><br /><object width = "512" height = "328" > <param name = "movie" value = "http://www-tc.pbs.org/s3/pbs.videoportal-prod.cdn/media/swf/PBSPlayer.swf" > </param><param name="flashvars" value="video=1589184073&player=viral&end=0" /> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param > <param name = "allowscriptaccess" value = "always" > </param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param ><embed src="http://www-tc.pbs.org/s3/pbs.videoportal-prod.cdn/media/swf/PBSPlayer.swf" flashvars="video=1589184073&player=viral&end=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" wmode="transparent" allowfullscreen="true" width="512" height="328" bgcolor="#000000"></embed></object><p style="font-size:11px; font-family:Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #808080; margin-top: 5px; background: transparent; text-align: center; width: 512px;">Watch <a style="text-decoration:none !important; font-weight:normal !important; height: 13px; color:#4eb2fe !important;" href="http://video.pbs.org/video/1589184073" target="_blank">30,000 Feet: Frequent Flyer</a> on PBS. See more from <a style="text-decoration:none !important; font-weight:normal !important; height: 13px; color:#4eb2fe !important;" href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/" target="_blank">FRONTLINE.</a></p>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-7680289203737995272011-11-19T19:00:00.006-05:002011-11-20T00:05:48.989-05:00Let dukkha "do what it do"...Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing, or at least that's how the saying goes. A Shakespearean character asked the question, "Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?," and Mae West said that "too much of a good thing can be wonderful." Being a person who is given to over-indulgence, but also exceedingly self aware, I try to stay somewhere in the middle. (Or somewhere between moderation and indulgence.)<br /><br />As I sit here alone on a Saturday night, I keep trying to remind myself of the concept of dukkha that I absorbed from Buddhism. All phenomena are impermanent. When the reality set in that tonight would be an evening of solitude, I found myself surprised that I wasn't happy with it. I had become so accustomed to it before, so much so that I preferred it.<br /><br />That feeling started when I was talking to my "romantic interest" and he informed me that we wouldn't get to talk tonight because he was going to see a movie and had to run errands. My first thought was, "but we didn't get to talk last night." Thankfully I didn't utter that desperate remark, but I was alarmed by the fact that I would even think that.<br /><br />I thought about "Sitting with Unsatisfactoriness" as the title for this post but decided that a little twist of the urban phrase "let it do what it do" would be better. When it all comes down to it, there isn't a better way to look it this situation and just about every situation.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dukkha">Dukkha</a></span> is a Buddhist term, meaning unsatisfactoriness, misery, suffering, dissatisfaction, etc. The concept is central to the Four Noble Truths, and if I take nothing else with me from Buddhism (although I certainly will) this will be it. <br /><br />It's not that two nights without talking to a beau drags me into misery. But after I had already called a couple of friends to see what they were doing and they weren't available, and my mother and sister were out to dinner with people from church leaving me at home alone, a hint of despair did creep in. <br /><br />It really caught me off guard. In the instant that I felt the feeling come in, I realized how some people get trapped in negative cycles of thinking, emotionally spiraling out of control. It wasn't that I actually wondered whether or not he was going to the movie or on a date with someone. The thought came up that the same circumstances would lead someone to think that. I was glad that I didn't think that, but then I was equally upset that I wouldn't allow myself to go there.<br /><br />There I was at a stoplight thinking to myself, "what purpose does it serve to let your mind go on this tangent?" I could only think of one; protection from misery. Logically, I would not expect a person who I've met only once but have talked with at length, who is also 2,500 miles away to be exclusive. I'm the one who disappeared on him two years ago. Based on that fact alone I understand if he has his reservations.<br /><br />In that moment, I decided that I would sit with the unsatisfactory feeling, that I would let "dukkha" arise, do its thing, and move on. I wouldn't apply superficial labels to it. I made peace with it and left inner space to see what was at its core.<br /><br />I prepared my dinner of food from my first visit to Trader Joe's, and as I plated my food and poured my glass of wine, I felt what I was waiting to feel. <span style="font-style:italic;">I didn't open myself up to the world, make efforts to deepen and maintain my friendships, only to spend another night like this.</span><br /><br />The depth and honesty of that feeling helped me to realize that spending three to four hours talking to someone on the phone wouldn't alleviate that feeling anymore than not talking to them would be the cause of it.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/cDSCjmxO4T4" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7993222992670843825.post-6120678865126043642011-11-18T14:30:00.003-05:002011-11-18T15:13:27.957-05:00Lightheaded MusingsI've been focusing on losing weight lately, mainly by only eating 1500 <span style="font-style:italic;">net</span> calories a day and getting on the treadmill 30 minutes a day. I'm not sure if I trust our scale here at home, but I may have lost three pounds so far. I've been feeling a little lightheaded over the past few days as well, but that is actually getting better.<br /><br />On the personal front, I have started talking to a former romantic interest, and it is going well. The time I would have spent blogging late at night is now spent on long conversations. It feels better than it did the first time, with more openness and honesty. There wasn't necessarily deception the first time around, but perhaps the conversation is going to deeper places.<br /><br />I just wonder how a real life cynic takes chances on love and romance, without all of the convenient traps and plot twists a Hollywood movie provides. Where is my Miranda moment...my Charlotte moment...my Carrie moment? Will they come? How close to those fantasy moments will reality have to come before I feel comfortable? I've already lived through or recreated my Samantha moments.TimidChanteusehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06333850111489027828noreply@blogger.com0