Made a connection

I finally heard from a teacher. I googled and found someone who performs locally but also used to teach and sing in New York. I like that she responded promptly to my emails and is ready for our consultation in a couple of weeks. She takes a vacation between sessions (spring, summer, etc), so we will start in July. That gives me plenty of time to pick up where I left off practicing and get back in the groove.

I also heard from a piano teacher, but he only teaches classical. I'm still trying to hold out for a jazz piano teacher. Since I easily waste $200+ a month, I figure I might as well put them to good use and start taking lessons.

I fell in love with this clip yesterday of Nina Simone singing "My Man's Gone Now" and I must say it is my favorite version ever of this song, and I only heard it for the first time yesterday. A friend (who sings) told me he thought I should go for a androgynous sound like Nina Simone, and not correct some of the things I perceive as flaws in my voice. I'm still not sure about that, and although I love Nina Simone as well, I feel like I hear and feel different things in my voice. Time will tell...

“Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.”

I REALLY need to find a teacher. I don't want to keep running on this wheel like a hamster. I finally have the drive, focus, and time that I didn't have in previous years. I JUST NEED A TEACHER!

Maybe I need to send out a mass email or something.

And here is a little clip I enjoyed today of Dame Joan Sutherland singing "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca. I like it, but I must say, I am much more enamored with Leontyne Price's version.

God or Something Like It

The fact that I used the word God the other day in my blog has freaked me out a little, or at least gotten my wheels turning. I typically always say "the universe" because that's probably closest to what I believe, but I also notice that in the past few months I've gained a new perspective on God and religion.

I finally have come to understand that there are as many concepts of God as there are people and that even if we told all 6+ billion stories, we could never actually approximate the true nature of the divine. I will never believe in a God that can be understood by the limited perceptions of a human mind. A God whose limits of compassion, love, and grace can be completely described in a book written by men will never be sufficient to me.

However, I have come around to the idea that these stories and descriptions can serve a purpose in my life, as they have for others for thousands of years. If I can draw inspiration from a random person plucked from obscurity and put in a reality show, why can't the story of Joseph also inspire me. Why should I cut myself off from a tradition that has enabled countless generations to bring meaning and order to their lives?

I always thought I would never come back around to a Judeo-Christian tradition because didn't believe in personifying the divine. The Jesus story has always been problematic for me as well. However, as I have started to see this personification as more of a tool (under the most rational circumstances), I have found tremendous comfort in my explorations into Judaism, and it really has changed the way I've been moving through the world.

I find myself now, praying for people, and accepting the prayers of others. As I've seen some of these prayers come to fruition, I've realized that it doesn't really matter to me whether it could be simply a coincidence or not. Some people might say, "Well, that would have happened anyway," but I don't think that's the point. Even if prayer only helps me align my subconscious thoughts towards whatever the desired outcome is, it has proven to be a useful tool.

I'm not sure where this new aspect of my spirituality will take me, but I feel optimistic.

Murphy's Law

Don't have much to write, but it seems like everyone I know experienced Murphy's Law today, including myself. Other than that I keep checking my mail to see if the voice teacher will write back. If I don't hear back from her by Friday I will take that as a sign to seek someone else.

What a WACKY day!!

New Direction

So today I wrote a vocal instructor to start lessons again. I think it is a step in the right direction. I think if I know I have someone else's ear I can turn mine off and concentrate on the feeling of proper singing.

I need to make this a commitment, however, and not let things I'm doing with other people stray me from my path. The path only gets exciting if you're making progress and not ending up at the same spot over and over again.

Besides, maybe some of the qualities in my voice that I'm obsessing over may be my own vocal idiosyncrasies. It's better to just get a professional opinion, and stick to it.

The only thing that makes me nervous is that I don't already know this person, but I also think that will be better.

Tension

I guess I'm writing this to put some sort of energy out into the world that will come back and manifest itself in my life, or more importantly, my voice.

I finally started vocalizing every day (again), and felt so much improvement in the ease of singing, and placement of the sound. I promised myself that this time I wouldn't stop practicing, and for the most part I have upheld that promise for the past couple of weeks, but the events of this week proved to be an effective deterrent and psychological block.


When I finally mustered up the courage to take singing lessons last year, my vocal problem was identified as singing with a closed posture and too much tongue tension. I've been lip rolling and tongue trilling myself into a frenzy, over the past few weeks and was really noticing a difference.

Today, however, brought a new surprise. I just got a new computer this week and decided to record my voice to listen to all the great progress I knew I had made, only to feel like I hadn't made any.

I'm wondering if external events are putting a negative spin on how I perceive things. Even as I type this I'm starting to feel as if I was way too critical when I was listening. I feel like I could "hear" my tense tongue when I was vocalizing the notes, and hear the tentativeness in my technique and intention when I sang a couple of lines from a song.

In the back of my mind I've been thinking to myself, "Does a calling require this much of a struggle?" It's making me question why I feel like it is my calling to sing in the first place. I only know that no matter how much I feel like I'm struggling, I just don't want to give up. I just want to be heard by someone one day and for all people involved in that exchange of feeling and sound to be pleased with what they experienced, myself included.

I remember listening to Eckhart Tolle talk about the symbol of the cross, and how it was the symbol of both suffering and salvation, and that we each have our own crosses to bear. I have never looked at a cross the same way, and I have felt that my struggle to be heard and gain my voice, though currently the source of my anguish, is the ONE thing I hope sets me free. I never prayed for such a long time, but did so for the first time in a long time when I was laying on the table in Thailand about to be put under for reassignment surgery. My prayer was, "God, if I am not going to sing, don't wake me up." I vowed with my whole heart that if I woke up I was going to take this seriously.

It all sounds so simple, but I feel like there is some spiritual or physical reason why I can't let go of the tongue tension. I know that my voice teacher said it is really just a habit that a lot of singers have to unlearn, but I really see it as a fear of letting go. Despite the fact that I know it is not the most efficient and free way to make sound, I feel that something else is making me hold on to old ways.


I definitely need a breakthrough . . .

Refocusing

Thanks to my new found free time, I will be posting regularly, and resuming my efforts to learn the piano.

I definitely must be careful of what I write due to ongoing circumstances, so I will confine this blog to musical, spiritual, and culinary topics.

I will make the best use of this to time as I go into the next phase of my life.