Day 3 of Vlogging

So I'm continuing to vlog this month.  I just have to remember that I will get better at this.  What I don't like is that I have let myself go.  I know I can look better on camera than this.  I don't even look like my profile pic.

http://youtu.be/W1d83w37H0I

So...I've decided to start Vlogging

I have a lot to learn before I make a presence on YouTube, but Rome wasn't built in a day, and we all have to start somewhere.

http://youtu.be/UsfWRfVt5OY

Embracing Ambiguity

I guess the time has come for me to "walk the walk" so to speak. I am always talking about embracing the unknown, and letting the chips fall where they may. I would normally consider myself good at it, but lately I've been put to the test, wondering if a guy is interested in me or not.

It is hard to imagine that I would even sit here wondering without just asking him, but I think my fling from last summer (which turned out to be a flop) has me gun shy. In that instance the guy was misleading me regarding his intentions,  all the while asking me to stay around, and pretending to be honest because he "did not want to mislead" me.

I guess time will tell. I have some lessons to learn about living and loving without a disclaimer, and my chance will come soon enough, and just in time.

My body is a blessing

Once again I am feeling ill, but instead of a horrible stomach flu I have come down with an extremely annoying but not completely immobilizing head cold.  What is even more curious is how being ill has lead me to spiritual insights once again.

I have been doing affirmations for a few weeks now, and in the past two weeks I came up with a new one, "My body is a blessing." At the time, I really wanted to re-frame some of my thinking about obstacles I feel I am facing not only in singing, but even in work, my search for romance, and just about every current endeavor.  I have really been trying to internalize the concept that my brain and my body are not my true essence, they are vessels. I am a spirit that chose these particular vessels to experience life through for hopefully 90+ years. 

Today's insight is rooted in Eckhart Tolle's assertion in A New Earth that we must realize that like digestion, thinking just happens. Breathing just happens, we don't have to tell ourselves to breathe. In the same way, we don't tell ourselves to think, thinking just happens. We either identify with the thought and go on that tangent, or we make a shift and go on another tangent.

So last September I made a shift. Besides not identifying with thoughts that said my brain and/or body was disordered, I really wanted to be focused on my true essence, my higher self, and the realm of infinite potential.  It occurred to me that there was a disconnect between the part of me that stood in awe of miraculous healings, but felt that my own physical "failings" were somehow different, and a source of struggle. I somehow believed that fighting them would be my source of insight, and perhaps in an unexpected way it has.

This morning I really didn't feel like I could chant and meditate. I could basically only breathe through my mouth, so it definitely seemed like chanting a sutra or two would be out of the question. But a part of me was also up for the challenge, so I sat down and tried it. Thankfully I had a "half-spent" incense that was left over when I had to rush off from an expedited chanting session to get to work the other day.

I told myself that I would sit there until the incense went out, and at the least, try to be centered. But as I sat there I said to myself, "My body is my blessing." Then I said it aloud, and before I knew it, I was full-on chanting! I came back around to saying all of my affirmations, and realized that the incense and long since burned out.

It was only then that I realized how much being ill had taken over my consciousness...but then I realized that it actually had only taken over my thoughts. I may have identified with those thoughts, but affirming that my body is a blessing extinguished them completely. I began to affirm that my body is healing and can heal itself. Strangely enough, I've been able to breathe through my nose ever since then.

Maybe it was the incense, or maybe the universe just said yes to my affirmation.

Purpose-Driven GPS

I'm laying here drifting in and out of sleep watching the Oscars. Without one ounce of envy for the trappings of fame, I had a truly aching moment where I felt as though I truly want my life, my presence, and my efforts to serve a purpose in someone else's life. I am surely not unique in this desire.

It actually came when Bette Midler was singing Wind Beneath My Wings. I thought to myself, who would sing that song to me, or at least feel that way about the place I had in their life. (Besides my mom, sister, or grandmother.) 

I want to know that my life was more than tending to my own biological and spiritual needs, and filling my financial needs with work. I chose to give my work some meaning by choosing the field of HIV/AIDS, so I do get some intrinsic benefit from that. I certainly don't want to seem like a complainer.

I don't even take this as a reason to despair, I see it more so as a signal from my inner GPS that I need to redirect. As I type I realize that there are probably stars and starlets sitting in that theater who hoped for or maybe even received a golden statue, yet are no closer to the feeling I'm searching for. Maybe they don't know who would sing that song for them either.

Grace Under Pressure...things I learned from Youtube and Food Poisoning

I had been meaning to blog about this video, it has profoundly affected me ever since I watched it.

It seems like awkward chemistry in the interview, but I found this video after seeing clips of Caroline Myss talking with Oprah.  There is so much in this video that is useful, but in her critique of a lot of New Age thinking she bashes the overuse (or perhaps inappropriate use) of the word energy. I must say I've been guilty of it, but I'm really only using language filtered down to me. She suggested that we instead use the word grace, noting that a nap cannot replenish energy, but prayer does.  That concept was instantly etched in my mind.

I had the chance to see this first hand with my recent bout with food poisoning.  After 12 hours, I was dehydrated, tired, and bedraggled.  I still thought to myself, this is the opportunity to put this idea into practice. I sat down for some brief chanting and meditation.  Did I instantly have energy? Nope. Did my illness go away? Nope. Did I find peace in a distressing moment? Absolutely.

I also felt wiser for the experience. I began to think about how time can ravage a body, how illness can ravage a body, or even how we can be distracted by the day to day realities of our body and the physical world, but all the while, grace is still there.  The higher self is still there to help you find peace. 

Wherever you go, there you are...

Today is my last day at my job as a medical case manager. As I start my day, I realize that I truly have been lucky to have so many second chances in my life so far, including being able to come back here to work as a case manager.

I'm glad that I've grown enough to now know that second chances may not always come, which makes me all the more grateful that I get to return to my old workplace in public health and continue working in the fight against HIV/AIDS.

I've learned so much in the years since I worked there the first time, and I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything. But one of the best lessons came just a few months ago when my mom told me that if I didn't start learning to be content, life would make that happen for me.  That's when I realized that dreaming and contentment are not mutually exclusively states of mind. Contentment can keep your mind clear to see the signs you need to make your next step, it doesn't mean you will forever stay where you are. Life so far has taught me that striving to make the next moment happen has just kept me running in circles.

Be happy right where you are, because wherever you go... there you are.