Why I've been missing in action...

So, I am trying to figure out how I am going to tackle my goal of blogging about The Case for God. It is a more dense book than I expected, and I've been putting off posting despite the fact that I'm three chapters into the book. I definitely prefer my posts to be personal rather than scholarly, so the challenge for me will be to switch between the sides of my brain. I also don't want to get out of the habit of blogging, and I may just work on these posts "in the background" and post them later, and keep blogging about my other random thoughts in the meantime.

In the meantime, I enjoyed this cartoon about lighting Hanukkah candles and thought I would post it...

To stand where Moses stood...

Decided to come back to reading the Torah since my life has been so topsy-turvy lately. Good news: I mended the fences with my friend. Bad news: my car stopped working and isn't worth fixing. What's worse...unless the universe smiles upon me with mystery money, I will be without a car for a month.

After I read this week's parsha, I couldn't really think about what it meant to me, but after getting started on this post and reflecting on the g-dcast video from youtube, I have a couple ideas.

First off, I need to resurrect my ability to keep "the long view" in mind. If I am so blessed, it will not matter 50 years from now that I was really hurt by a friend's unconscious words, that I didn't have a car for a month, and had to inconvenience my friends and relatives for rides. I will remember that I was able to forgive and to apologize, and that people were there for me when I needed them.

Things that will matter to me 50 years from now (when I would be about to turn 82, G-d willing):
1.) Did I conquer my fear of singing?
2.) Did I find someone to share my life with?
3.) Do I have a good relationship with my family?
4.) Did I plan well enough to meet my basic needs?
5.) Did I finally learn how to keep my room/car tidy? (If I don't have a cleaning lady by then..)

Reading the account of Moses' death really put my problems into a proper perspective. It still shocks me how a backsliding Agnostic like myself is finding so many worthwhile passages in the Bible (as well as the troubling ones I already knew about.) The jury is still out with me as far as how literal the Torah/Bible is, but I felt touched by the words,

"Never again did there arise in Israel a prophet like Moses--whom the LORD singled out, face to face, for the various signs and portents that the LORD sent him to display in the land of Egypt." (Deuteronomy 34:10-11)

I feel as though so many people I know want to have grand, remarkable lives, especially people I tend to spend the most time with. (Myself included.) Of course, no one strives and hopes for the unremarkable, but along the way, so many give up, or are so focused on the unrealistic goal of being a wealthy celebrity that they lose the focus they needed to actually achieve something remarkable.

I'm beginning to think about what makes for a remarkable life, in my eyes. Although I don't expect to see G-d face to face, as Moses did, I hope to be a person who learned to be conscious of my actions, without being hindered by self-consciousness. Like Moses, I hope to have a long and healthy life. Like Moses, I want to deliver people from bondage, but in more figurative ways, such as kids like me who were bullied and teased, and adults like me who learned not to let their light shine bright, but instead to install a dimmer switch.

I feel optimistic that elevating my consciousness and listening to my inner voice will lead me where I need to go. Reading the Torah, I've learned, won't hurt either. I hope that I live my life with constant awareness that one day I will stand on my own Mount Nebo, and that I cast aside petty disputes, rise above trivial annoyances, and find the strength to fight the true battles that need to be fought.

That might be the key to a remarkable life.

Here's the video that got me thinking . . .

Becoming what I believe . . .

Went to the library, checked out the following:

The Fabulous Sylvester by Joshua Gamson
Sassy: The Life of Sarah Vaughan by Leslie Gourse (reading for the second time)
These are the Words: A Vocabulary of Jewish Spiritual Life by Arthur Green
Jazz Singers: The great song stylists in their own words edited by Paul Roland

That seems like quite a lot to read before the due date, but I read the Sarah Vaughan biography over a weekend a couple of years ago.

I'm trying to follow Oprah's mantra, "You become what you believe." So if I fill my head and heart with Judaism and music, maybe in a few years I'll be a Jewish jazz singer.

Reclaiming "my stuff"

I usually write the title first when I post, and then the body, but I can't really think of one right now. A lot has gone on that has kept me from blogging, singing, and otherwise engaging in activities that I find enriching and I want to allow my stream of consciousness to flow.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what one owes a friend. When you do everything you can to support a friend and they don't appreciate it, and in fact are nasty to you in return, at what point should you feel a little codependent? Is there a line of devotion that you shouldn't cross with a friend because it will cost you too much to come back to your center.

I've been having big conflicts with a friend. I've been thinking of some of this persons actions as unappreciative, but then I think about the fact that a person doesn't know what you give up doing to help them. Time that could have been spent learning the piano, singing, and tending to my own "garden" was spent to help someone else, and when they lashed their tongue at me I left feeling like I had been robbed.

It makes me think of Ntozake Shange's poem, "somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff". It doesn't have to be a lover, and given some of my experiences over the past year, I don't think it even has to be a person. Whatever lost cause has a person consumed, devoted, and eventually exhausted will all feel the same in the end.

However, I don't think I could be less of a friend. I like being the type of friend who is there through thick and thin, who will drop what they're doing for a friend in need. I guess I'm just learning (again) that it does come at a cost, and I should have boundaries.

On a different note, I REALLY enjoyed the High Holy Days. I have said repeatedly that the days I spent there were the best I've had all year (Roman calender). For someone who eschews organized religion, I have already made plans to go back for Shabbat next week.

In hindsight I overestimated the number of curious gazes I would get, along with my level of reaction to them. Overall I found people to be curious and welcoming, and cherish the privilege of going to someone's home for Rosh Hashanah.

That is where I also had my first taste of gefilte fish. It was so delicious and homemade. I must get the recipe. I could tell it was made from cod, and I absolutely love cod.

So, I've gotten 5772 off to a good start, and had a great introductory Jewish experience. Now I just have to decide when and where to convert...but I will take my time.

Fasting and food fantasies

I have been home for about an hour after leaving the Kol Nidre service. I am fasting as well, and anytime I go without food, I always take note of what I end up craving.

When I gave up meat for 30 days, I craved ham. When I was convalescing in Thailand and couldn't eat solid food for seven days, I craved cheeseburgers. Not sure what I'll crave this time, but I do have leftovers that someone gave me from their pre-fast dinner.

Tonight's was the third service I've attended. I take it as a MONUMENTAL sign that I still feel drawn into Judaism and at home. I haven't gotten that feeling in any other religious environments, not even in Buddhism.

Time to start learning Hebrew...

Shanah Tovah!

Last night and this morning I experienced my first Rosh Hashanah services. I'm still taking it all in, and I will definitely write at length about it in a while, but I wanted to share my first thoughts, as I am just finally getting home.

First I can just say that I found the experiences to be completely enjoyable. I loved the music, the words we recited, and of course, the Shofar.

I didn't feel as much like a foreigner as I thought I would. For most of the services people read from the book just as I did, although there were certain times that everyone knew the words from memory.

I felt even more welcome as a guest in someone's home afterwards. Everyone was warm and welcoming.

All in all, it was my first Jewish experience, and it was great.

Updates

For the few who read this blog . . . . I moved AGAIN, but this new move will be more permanent.

I learned today exactly what I am doing wrong with my tongue, like pulling it back in my throat while speaking and singing. Now I have to practice with a mirror and tongue depressor, to be aware of how much my tongue is moving. Knowing, as they say, is half the battle.

I had my first Jewish experience as well, when I went to a Shiva Minyan for a dear friend's mother, and I will write about that later, as well.

I also went to Chicago...more details to come.

As for now...it's time to move my computer to the new place.

Hasta la vista baby!!

Swollen cords...

Went to my vocal lesson today, and I was advised to hold off on singing the rest of the day. I wouldn't have known it, but my teacher said my vocal cords sound swollen and I sounded fatigued in general.

I had a long weekend with a friend that started with partying and turned a little more serious when he got some troubling news. Then there were long, anxious nights.

Everything is okay with him now, and except for me being worn out and apparently having swollen, fatigued vocal cords, I'm okay as well.

This weekend I will be doing my first "Jewish thing" at the Temple. A shabbat dinner for 20 and 30 somethings, and a viewing of an Israeli tv show. I'm very nervous, but I'm sure everything will be fine. After that I will be going to my mother's to help prepare a birthday dinner for my great-grandmother who turns 96 on Saturday!!

I also got assigned my first song, "Why did I choose you" Here is a clip of Nana Mouskouri singing the song in 1976. I chose her version because it's a little lower than Streisand's.

Off and Running

I want to post this trailer because I have been drawn in by it. As an aspiring Jew of Color, I get excited over the stories of other Jews of Color, either by birth or by choice. The subject of this documentary is African American, yet adopted by two Jewish lesbians and of course, raised Jewish.




As of yet, I've only seen the trailer and the additional video clips on the PBS website, but I will definitely be purchasing this film next week (it's on iTunes). I remember wanting to be Jewish as a teenager, without any idea that I would convert, or what that would even involve.

I had Jewish friends in middle and high school, but I distinctly remember one person who was a redhead with blue eyes. One time in middle school we (a group of non-Jewish white kids and myself) questioned if he was really Jewish because he didn't look like the other Jewish kids in school, and he answered that his dad converted. Fast forward fifteen years to all the things swirling around in my head now, and I have a completely different perspective. I wonder, "was his mother Jewish?" Even five years ago I wouldn't have had any context for that question.

Just thinking about the film without having even seen it stirs up so many issues. I still wonder if it will matter to me that I won't ever "look Jewish". I obviously can't have children and would have to adopt and I wonder how they will feel. Would some man's Bubbe not want him to marry a Jew of Color by Choice, one who had their gender reassigned? My therapist would say that I'm borrowing trouble from the future, however borrowing trouble from the future is one of the few times where I haven't had trouble getting a loan despite my bad credit.

The Taming of the Wannabe Jew

I read another chapter of Judaism as a Civilization over the weekend and have been attempting to write this post over the past three days. Every time I would read something that struck me I would automatically type the quote into blogger. I ended up with six excerpts that I planned to write about, but thankfully I whittled that down to two.

Of course, I skipped around as I did with the first chapter I read, and this time it was, "The Folk Aspect of the Jewish Religion." I have to say that this chapter ranks high on my list of writings that transformed my way of thinking. The chapter is basically about the role of personal and folk religion in life, both ancient and modern, but it also helped center my focus on one of the central issues in my life at the moment. Before I read this I have found it hard to even begin to answer the question, "Why do you want to be Jewish?" He also talks about how religion helped to tame the self-seeking instincts of man. Instincts that once helped me go against the grain in life, that I am now trying to tame as well.

I think this chapter helps me answer an even larger question that I couldn't answer even in a conversation last week. "Why be religious at all?" Everyone has always known me to be a deeply spiritual person, and to be "spiritual, not religious" is so common that it's often a box you can check off on a questionnaire. That was always enough for me until lately.

My home in Buddhism was inadequate, because I found some forms practiced by "Westerners" to be too focused on retreating through meditative practices. This is not good for a person with social anxiety issues and occasional tendencies towards agoraphobic behavior. All of a sudden the solution to every problem was to sit at home meditating, chanting, and lighting candles. I believe that this is why Buddhism has not been enough for me. Practicing with the Soka Gakkai gave me a set of rituals and a welcoming comunity, but an overly simplified belief system that never was enough.

Mr. Kaplan had something interesting to say about belief sytems...

"Judging from the nature of the beliefs usually stressed in the historical religions, it seems that emphasis always went with incredibility, as though their being in conflict with reason enabled them to test the loyalty of the individual to his group. In fact, there seems to be a great deal of truth in the witticism that a religious dogma is a doctrine which people have ceased to believe."(p.335)

I will never discount the negative effect of growing up in a fundamentalist Christian sect that offered little in the way of folk religion. I just had to believe the world was coming to an end in a short matter of time, deny myself any "questionable" pleasures of this world, and spread the word door to door. Any failings in these areas, I could blame on Satan's persuasion and persecution. I never really believed in Satan, but of course, I was told that was just Satan convincing me that he didn't exist to lure me out of "The Truth".

So much of what has touched me in my quest is how Judaism is more (at least in the things I've read) about doing than believing, and that doing things according to this set of principles is what can lead you to greater awareness and appreciation. Until reading this chapter and the way he differentiates folk religion and personal religion, I never understood the needs I was trying to meet through all of my spiritual exploration over the years. But now I get it. After finding my own personal religion and set of beliefs (or at least deeply held thoughts) I'm looking for folk religion, for something to do that will elevate my thinking and actions above my own interests and predilections.

Being a polyglot, post-op, African American, transgender, aspiring singer with Attention Deficit Disorder I thought my religious journey and issues I'm struggling with were as unique as the path that got me here. Intuitively I know that human nature doesn't change, and I use that knowledge to be a compassionate person, but somehow reading something that completely describes inner workings and urges that I had no words for has been very exciting.

"Primitive man, no doubt, resorted to praising his deity as a means of eliciting favors from him. But in the higher civilizations, when the pious sang praises to God they gave utterance to the ineffable delight they derived from communion with him...To areticulate that experience in the midst of a worshipping throng is a spiritual necessity of the normal man. He needs it as a means of affirming the meaning of life and of renewing his spirit." (p. 347)

It has been so easy for me to think that my needs are unique, that my struggles are as unique as they appear when I compare them to what I currently see in those around me. Now I can no longer continue along that line of thinking, and I would say, mystically, that Mordecai Kaplan read my mind (except that he wrote this book in 1934).

It is so much more comforting to realize that the problems I have and the path I am taking are nothing new. Reading this book feels like an embrace, saying to me that I'm not alone in my struggles and the issues that have isolated me from religion and urges that bring me back. I have found through reading stories of conversion, through reading Torah, and especially through reading Judaism as a Civilization, that this is not the case.

That is so refreshing.

Miscellaneous updates...

I have fully recovered from my fall into Tea Party madness. Whew!! I actually spent a couple of hours yesterday getting a a more balanced perspective of the Federal Reserve system and fractional reserve banking. I'm now aware of the advantages and problems with an elastic money supply. I'll also know exactly what it means when the Federal Reserve buys Treasury bonds, which it will be doing to the tune of $25 billion monthly, until further notice. Here is a link to the Planet Money article that started this whole intellectual excursion. I guess I can add monetary policy to the list of potential topics I might blog about.

More exciting things are on the horizon in my life as well. Today is my first singing lesson (of my third round of lessons, that is). I know I won't be doing much singing, mainly breathing. Also today is the launch of the Fall/Winter 2011 edition of Louisville Bride Magazine, in which I have a styling credit. At end the week, I'm supoosed to go to The Temple for Kabbalat Shabbat.

Off to my lesson...

Karen Armstrong, The Freelance Monotheist

"People equate religious faith with believing things."

"A lot of religious people prefer to be right rather than compassionate."

Most of all when mentioning Hillel's summary of the Torah ... “Do not do unto others as you would not have done unto you. That is the Torah. The rest is commentary. Go and study"

Just a few of Karen Armstrong's words that moved me to reconnect with a religious practice. No one else ever described the need for religion, the legitimacy of wrestling with religious concepts and ideas, and the emphasis on behavior and doing rather than believing. It doesn't matter whether the ideas new, hearing her perspective completely reoriented me. Whatever they awakened in me, they have led me to Judaism.

Below is a video of her TED Talk (about 20 min), and here is a link to her interview that truly changed my spiritual life on what was then called Speaking of Faith with Krista Tippett, (now On Being) "The Freelance Monotheism of Karen Armstrong."

My first date with Torah !

Today I read Torah!! I couldn't actually believe I was doing it. I read intently, and even read some parts more than once.

It may seem insignificant, but I haven't even picked up a Bible and opened its pages in about 10 years. I can distinctly remember throwing away a Bible a couple of years ago. I vowed that I would never allow any religious babble to brainwash me the way I had been in the past. I guided myself through the next few years with sessions on a therapist's couch, and episodes from Oprah and Sex and the City. I take comfort in knowing every episode (from every season) of Sex and the City, and the fact that I can recommend one for any particular problem a person is going through means that 55 Torah portions will be a piece of cake (to remember the gist and details, that is).

So a couple of years, a gender reassignment, and a few trials and tribulations later, I've learned that those same stories that I could never accept are giving me reassurance. I remember book studies and Bible studies as a child and teenager where I constantly heard about how Satan controlled the world's rulers and how the Bible had already predicted the horrible state of the world and the "Last Days" we live in. It was so refreshing to read this weeks Parshat Chukat and delve deep beyond the words that were written onto the page into something that strengthens me.

I've been watching videos from g-dcast.com on youtube lately, but this is the first week that I've actually read the Torah portion, mainly because I just got my copy of the Tanakh from the Jewish Publication Society last week.

Here is the G-dcast video for this weeks Parshat Chukat (Numbers 19:1 - 22:1), I also read other writings on the parshat that focused on the red heifer, or Moses's anger, or Aaron and the kiss of death, but I was really inspired by this video, especially as I am looking beyond myself for healing and direction at this particular time in my life.



So on my first date with Torah, I think this might be the start of something special....
To Be Continued. . .

Another reason to sing

I've been watching a lot of videos about Jewish history and personal experiences over the past few days, and I've realized how important songs and singing are. All the more reason for me to cross this wall of fear and let songs come out of me. Will I fully be able to carry on any of these traditions if I am afraid to be heard?

It seems like pure fantasy to think that one day I'll know and sing the words and melodies to songs like Lecha Dodi and Shalom Aleichem with others(I kind of already know the words to the latter). Stranger and more monumental things have happened in human history, but that would be a big deal for me.

Today's clip is of a group of people sharing in an experience that both entices me and fills me with dread. It's funny that I gave a presentation at a national conference but something like this scares me.

Anyway, do enjoy (the two other people who read this...)

To Jerusalem by way of Dharmsala

If anyone is actually reading this blog, you will not be surprised to find out that I am planning on converting to Judaism. I feel enormously content that I have finally opened space in my heart and mind for anything resembling religion to actually take hold in me. I used to think of being raised a Jehovah's Witness as being the worst thing that happened to me as a child, but perhaps it is the only path that would have opened me up to exploring every aspect of myself after my belief system was shattered.

Buddhism provided a warm, serene, and welcome home for me afterwards. I put my concept of an intervening God on the back shelf and learned to revere my Buddha nature. I learned to bow to it, light an incense for it, to ring a bell for it. Nothing will ever replace that period of discovery in my life, and I have said over and over again that meditation and chanting saved my life. It also opened me up to the world (in baby steps) and helped me see the Buddha nature in others. I began to see the oneness of the world and became a more fearless participant in it.

Last night and this morning I watched live streaming Shabbat services online. I felt enthusiastic that one day I would revel in the songs and in the Torah. I'm not even worried about the Hebrew, because I discovered a penchant for languages at 15, when I started teaching myself Portuguese because I loved Brazilian music so much (I had already learned Spanish).

It's funny to have read accounts of other people who converted to Judaism but first found refuge in Buddhism. I certainly don't feel as unique anymore (in that regard), and that is uncharacteristically okay with me.

Since I've developed the habit of sharing something that moved me at the end of each post, I wanted to share a quote that I came across today, from Rabbi Sharon Brous, in an article she wrote for the Washington Post. I think it captures the spiritual place I was in before exploring Judaism. She is specifically talking about the phenomenon of Eat, Pray, Love and the dropping everything for some unending spiritual journey that takes you away from the world we have to inhabit.

"You can't live in an eternal Shabbat, because the religious life is not about personal spiritual satisfaction, it is about pouring holy light into a tragically broken world."

God or Something Like It

The fact that I used the word God the other day in my blog has freaked me out a little, or at least gotten my wheels turning. I typically always say "the universe" because that's probably closest to what I believe, but I also notice that in the past few months I've gained a new perspective on God and religion.

I finally have come to understand that there are as many concepts of God as there are people and that even if we told all 6+ billion stories, we could never actually approximate the true nature of the divine. I will never believe in a God that can be understood by the limited perceptions of a human mind. A God whose limits of compassion, love, and grace can be completely described in a book written by men will never be sufficient to me.

However, I have come around to the idea that these stories and descriptions can serve a purpose in my life, as they have for others for thousands of years. If I can draw inspiration from a random person plucked from obscurity and put in a reality show, why can't the story of Joseph also inspire me. Why should I cut myself off from a tradition that has enabled countless generations to bring meaning and order to their lives?

I always thought I would never come back around to a Judeo-Christian tradition because didn't believe in personifying the divine. The Jesus story has always been problematic for me as well. However, as I have started to see this personification as more of a tool (under the most rational circumstances), I have found tremendous comfort in my explorations into Judaism, and it really has changed the way I've been moving through the world.

I find myself now, praying for people, and accepting the prayers of others. As I've seen some of these prayers come to fruition, I've realized that it doesn't really matter to me whether it could be simply a coincidence or not. Some people might say, "Well, that would have happened anyway," but I don't think that's the point. Even if prayer only helps me align my subconscious thoughts towards whatever the desired outcome is, it has proven to be a useful tool.

I'm not sure where this new aspect of my spirituality will take me, but I feel optimistic.