Don't die with your music still in you..

This is not a post about death.  Although I did attend a funeral today, my thoughts are actually centered on life, and more importantly, living.  At 34 years old, on this day, the difference is finally apparent to me.

As we approached 2014, around early December 2013, I really felt as if I had gone mad. Not foaming at the mouth crazy, not mentally or emotionally unstable either.  Truthfully, I felt as if my logic and tenacity had led me to an illogical and distracting conclusion.  To put it simply, after earning a Bachelor's Degree, starting a Master's Degree, working for a couple of years, then earning a degree in Cosmetology, I decided that the perfect way for me to lay the groundwork for eventually singing would be to go to Nursing school in the evenings, while working a full time job during the day.

I finally had a Susan Powter moment with myself...."STOP THE INSANITY"

It helped that my friends mom, upon hearing the news of my newest educational endeavor, told him that I would one day be the most educated unemployed person in America. I was really pissed at first, but then I realized....she was right....almost...

I had to really think about what I was trying to achieve or prove by doing this.  I realized that I love the "pats on the back" that I get from doing what others think they can't do.  Sure, I have all the grace and compassion to tell people "If I can do it, you can do it" But in the end it was all covering up something deeper.

I am still afraid to dive in, sing, and make music.

I started this blog in December of 2009 as a way to make myself accountable, to put myself out there, and to even "put that energy out there" so to speak. I named my blog "The Timid Chanteuse" because that's what I felt then, like I was just on the verge of getting over my fear, and all I needed was to whisper that to the universe, (and the few readers I had) and magically it would happen. I sometimes hear people talking about "putting that energy out there", which makes them sound really spiritual, when it is usually connected to some materialistic desire.

What I realized last month, is that what I needed was to "put that energy inward" instead of "out there". No matter how many times I heard it, it has taken this long for me to realize that the only true change comes from inside of me. Studying nursing is going to make me a nurse...not a performer.  Seems like simple logic for someone with a Master's Degree. Why not take those thousands of dollars I was about to pay out of pocket (because after a Bachelor's, Master's, and Cosmetology diploma I can't borrow anymore) and go to a cabaret workshop, find a better voice teacher, take piano lessons....

So, I quit my second job that was making me miserable, and have gone back to the basics. Meditating twice a day, reading a book called The Practicing Mind, turning off the lights and all electronics at 11:00 (no matter what). I'm practicing the piano, vocalizing, and looking for a new voice teacher.

As for the title of the post, I was watching Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention last night, and felt awakened by his discussion of The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Leo Tolstoy. I was busy taking notes when he stopped me in my tracks by saying "Don't die with your music still in you..." Even though he was speaking in general terms to the audience, the deeper meaning of that moment was not lost on me.

Contemplating life is not living, researching singing and wanting to sing is not singing. The funeral I went to was moving and beautiful because a man had lived life fully and given of himself to so many people. No one can be touched by a life lived in my head, a song sung in my imagination. No one will eulogize all the things I kept wrapped up in my head.

I commit myself to putting energy inward, so that the music can flow out.

Oprah & Deepak 21 Day Meditation Challenge Reflections: Day 1 - Miraculous Journey

Today's Centering Thought: Today I am open to the presence of miracles

Question 1: What miracles have you already experienced in your life?

It has been a miracle to be who I am without any apologies. I have a loving family that supports me, great friends, and meaningful work. I couldn't have imagined at 22, when I started transitioning, that my life would eventually feel so normal.

I was so afraid of living a life that went against the grain. Afraid that my life's potential would be diminished just because I needed to live a personal truth that many people would find immoral, bizarre, trashy, and possibly even arduous.

I have been so lucky to be able to visualize something and have it come to fruition when people around me are perplexed and doubtful. I guess the biggest miracle I experienced was being born with a resilient spirit, and being shown how to make the best of everything.

Question 2: Make a list of the thoughts and beliefs you have about yourself and the world around you that might be inhibiting your ability to see miracles in each day?

I believe that some people don't want to see me succeed because they are aware of my abilities.

I believe that some people think I won't succeed because they doubt my abilities.

I fear that I will never experience the open mind, heart, and loyalty that I have for my family and friends in an intimate relationship. I keep trying to accept that I will never have that relationship, but my spirit disavows that thought at a gut level. I fight this battle with myself.

I feel like I've made so many job changes that no one will hire me into a position that will sustain me financially and use my best assets and skills.

Question 3: What steps can you take to open yourself to the experience of miracles? Be very specific. I will know my worth, at work and at home.

I will stop living life with a disclaimer.

I will step up when I can do something and be noticed.

I will trust that what love I put out there will come for me in due time.

I will ask people how they think I block my blessings.

Journal: Please use this section to reflect on today's session

I recently have been trying to remember that giving is not the same as taking. Giving and receiving are simultaneous. It is the law of circulation. I want to open up myself to receiving in the knowledge that miracles can happen again, just as they have happened before.

I learned today that I have spent too much time focusing on what I don't have: money, a relationship, more fulfilling work. At the same time I feel like I also don't want to survive on crumbs, emotionally, financially, or professionally. It is a battle that is zapping my energy

I forget the miracles I have seen in my life and in other people's lives. I forget how many times things have come together mysteriously, and changed my life for the better.

You can take a girl out of mysticism, but ....

Though I am still a wannabe Jew (not yet in training) I feel the need to write about mystical experiences I have, one of which occurred today.

I've always loosely believed in chakras, but had no practical use for that belief. Recently, however, I've experienced strong impulses towards certain color auras during meditation.

I first experienced this a couple of months ago when I felt a warming presence during meditation, almost as if I was being touched physically. I sensed a purple aura, almost as a warm comforting embrace. I sat and meditated for over 30 minutes (I usually just do 20) and felt transformed by the experience. Days later I resumed writing my blog after a LONG break.

I couldn't really let go of that experience and after a couple of days and meditation sessions, I still felt this purple "aura-presence". I decided to look into chakras, since I remembered that each one has a color and to see what it represented.

To make a long story short, the indigo chakra represents intuition and self responsibility. It kind of propelled me to get more serious about singing and music and to take true action, by trusting my intuition that singing and making music is something I should do.

So today I sat down to meditate and, though my meditations since then have been pretty normal and standard relaxation mechanisms, I was looking for insight into tension I've been feeling lately and thought I would leave myself open to whatever energy wanted to present itself today.

The color was green. A result so mystical and "spot-on" that the skeptical part of me can't rationalize it. I've realized that there really is no need to. If these spiritual tools have been leading me down a path of healing, growth, and insight, there is no need for an empirical investigation.