Taming the beast

I'm hoping I haven't lost "all" of my readers, but even so, I plan on gearing back up and posting regularly, and hopefully gain even more readers.I feel profoundly changed by the events of the past few months, all for the better. Even though I lost a connection with a person I believed to be the love of my life, the reality of the situation, and his deception have brought me to life more than anything else has in recent years. So, it has been all sweet, nothing bitter, even though I do have to catch myself when I occasionally refer to him as "that lying asshole in California."I finally found a singing journal I started keeping in January of 2008, and I've decided to read it and post some reflections about how far I've come since then. The last entry is from June 16, 2009, when I was on my way to Bangkok. One feeling I get from it as that I haven't stayed focused on singing and making music, even though as I wrote then I had enormous optimism that I would keep the momentum. That is very telling, and actually helps me realize that I need to get my act together now and get my priorities straight.

I wrote a quote in there on February 7, 2009, about identifying your bete noire, the thing we avoid because it frightens us or can bring us harm. I included the following quote,

You want to be the handler of your beast, instead of its prey.

I feel like the prey of my dreams and aspirations as times. I'm always running, even though in my mind I'm running towards the thing I want, but the effect is that I feel more estranged and exiled in the end. It has become clear to me that what I am to do now is just stand still. I need to confront my bete noire, not run from it.In that same entry I re-quoted Thoreau from an earlier entry on July 7, 2008. Even though I didn't hold this quote in my memory, I can look back and know that I followed its advice.

If one advances steadfastly in the direction of his dreams and endeavcrs to life the life he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.

Reading that quote makes me feel a little better, because I at least know that all the big decisions and many of the little decisions I've made since then have been in service of my dream regardless of whether I can clearly see that they are leading me to my goal.I will keep advancing in the direction of my dreams, hopefully with increasing confidence, and eventually with success unexpected in common hours.

A brief hiatus....

I've been out of commission lately for a few good reasons that will be revealed in the months to come. I'm about to embark on some monumental changes that are long overdue and will certainly impact my life and this blog for the better.
For those few faithful followers, please stay tuned, don't remove me from you rss feed or subscription service. MANY better things are in store. Although I am going to take a brief hiatus, I will be back with a vengeance.

See you in May.

Making Progress

Great news!! I am down a dress size. I went to Marshall's to get gifts, when I saw a couple of things I couldn't pass up. I took them to the dressing room in my normal size (which was beginning to get too tight) and had to go back and get a smaller size.

To say that I am pumped doesn't even do it justice. I don't care about the scale as much, just the measurements !!

Up, Up, and AWAY !!

I'm always checking the PBS website for new videos to watch, and this one caught my eye. It is about people who go to crazy lengths to get frequent flyer miles. Oddly enough, I can see myself doing mileage runs. I have the time on my hand, and unlike most people, I enjoy being in airports. Besides that I'm slightly obsessive and enjoy the stimulation. I would do it for a couple of months just for the hell of it, although I'm still not sure what the point would be. Beyond that it's probably not the wisest use of my money seeing as how I don't have a car.

Watch 30,000 Feet: Frequent Flyer on PBS. See more from FRONTLINE.

Hopefully this obstacle is the last one...

So, as expected, no contributions on the car campaign. I'm still without my own transportation, but able to get most places thanks to my mother and dear friend. Honestly, I wouldn't expect that people would give money to a person they didn't know, but I decided to do the uncharacteristic thing and ask for it anyway. The universe always provides. If you're reading this, just send me positive vibes that I don't end up with a lemon.

It is quite a bummer not to have a car, most annoyingly because I can't go to my voice lessons, nor justify paying for them when I "should" be saving for a car. As much as I hate driving, and enjoy being driven around, I think that it bothers me most that music isn't in my life right now. I told my self and my teacher that I wasn't going to let anything get in my way, and a couple of weeks later, my car completely died.

But I will bounce back, as I always do, and I think big changes are in my future for 2012. I'm just praying that I can get a decent car that is up to the challenge, for what I can afford.

A lot of people give up just before they're about to make it. You know you never know when that next obstacle is going to be the last one.
Chuck Norris

Putting it out there and asking for help!

I'm trying to open myself up to what the universe has to offer, and I decided to start a small campaign on FundRazr to help me get a new car. I want to be optimistic that I can reach my goal, but the real point is to see what happens.

I give to Kiva regularly, along with other charities, so maybe the universe has something in store for me.

If you can't help, just tweet and retweet.

Give

Becoming what I believe . . .

Went to the library, checked out the following:

The Fabulous Sylvester by Joshua Gamson
Sassy: The Life of Sarah Vaughan by Leslie Gourse (reading for the second time)
These are the Words: A Vocabulary of Jewish Spiritual Life by Arthur Green
Jazz Singers: The great song stylists in their own words edited by Paul Roland

That seems like quite a lot to read before the due date, but I read the Sarah Vaughan biography over a weekend a couple of years ago.

I'm trying to follow Oprah's mantra, "You become what you believe." So if I fill my head and heart with Judaism and music, maybe in a few years I'll be a Jewish jazz singer.

Updates

For the few who read this blog . . . . I moved AGAIN, but this new move will be more permanent.

I learned today exactly what I am doing wrong with my tongue, like pulling it back in my throat while speaking and singing. Now I have to practice with a mirror and tongue depressor, to be aware of how much my tongue is moving. Knowing, as they say, is half the battle.

I had my first Jewish experience as well, when I went to a Shiva Minyan for a dear friend's mother, and I will write about that later, as well.

I also went to Chicago...more details to come.

As for now...it's time to move my computer to the new place.

Hasta la vista baby!!

Swollen cords...

Went to my vocal lesson today, and I was advised to hold off on singing the rest of the day. I wouldn't have known it, but my teacher said my vocal cords sound swollen and I sounded fatigued in general.

I had a long weekend with a friend that started with partying and turned a little more serious when he got some troubling news. Then there were long, anxious nights.

Everything is okay with him now, and except for me being worn out and apparently having swollen, fatigued vocal cords, I'm okay as well.

This weekend I will be doing my first "Jewish thing" at the Temple. A shabbat dinner for 20 and 30 somethings, and a viewing of an Israeli tv show. I'm very nervous, but I'm sure everything will be fine. After that I will be going to my mother's to help prepare a birthday dinner for my great-grandmother who turns 96 on Saturday!!

I also got assigned my first song, "Why did I choose you" Here is a clip of Nana Mouskouri singing the song in 1976. I chose her version because it's a little lower than Streisand's.

The Creation of Money

For some reason I have been watching documentaries about our monetary system all day long. I'm not exactly sure how I went off on this tangent, but my search for "finance documentaries" led me to this page, where I have spent most of my day.

I have learned all about the perils of the Federal Reserve system, and the impending financial disaster that will dwarf any that we have seen so far. Part of me was getting swept up in the momentum, and but a larger part of me was having flashbacks of all the Armageddon craziness I grew up with as a child. Some of what I heard even sounded like Tea Party conspiracy theory.

Could it really be all doom and gloom as some of these people are predicting? Maybe so. I think people are so irrational when it comes to money and have no clue how the monetary system works that it will all be perpetuated until it becomes painfully obvious that it is not working. I didn't realize until today that money now represents debt instead of value.

It also never occurred to me that money actually disappears from our money supply when a debt is paid off, since the bank created that money out of thin air in the first place, and must create more debt to replace it (in the system as a whole). I really thought there was gold in a vault somewhere, even though I know I've listened to debates about going back to the "gold standard" on NPR.

In the end, I'm sure we'll eventually get more regulation and come to some sort of balance. But I'll be looking into urban homesteading and living off the grid...just in case.

Summer Fun

I had the best time this weekend lounging around in an $80 pool from Big Lots and drinking on a box of Pinot Grigio with a good friend. Between the lounging, ordering food, and watching Will and Grace DVD's, it was like a mini vacation, months worth of therapy, and weeks of visits to the tanning bed all wrapped in one.

It was a great time spent dreaming, planning, and relaxing....the first "real" summer experience I've had in about 2 years.