Taming the beast

I'm hoping I haven't lost "all" of my readers, but even so, I plan on gearing back up and posting regularly, and hopefully gain even more readers.I feel profoundly changed by the events of the past few months, all for the better. Even though I lost a connection with a person I believed to be the love of my life, the reality of the situation, and his deception have brought me to life more than anything else has in recent years. So, it has been all sweet, nothing bitter, even though I do have to catch myself when I occasionally refer to him as "that lying asshole in California."I finally found a singing journal I started keeping in January of 2008, and I've decided to read it and post some reflections about how far I've come since then. The last entry is from June 16, 2009, when I was on my way to Bangkok. One feeling I get from it as that I haven't stayed focused on singing and making music, even though as I wrote then I had enormous optimism that I would keep the momentum. That is very telling, and actually helps me realize that I need to get my act together now and get my priorities straight.

I wrote a quote in there on February 7, 2009, about identifying your bete noire, the thing we avoid because it frightens us or can bring us harm. I included the following quote,

You want to be the handler of your beast, instead of its prey.

I feel like the prey of my dreams and aspirations as times. I'm always running, even though in my mind I'm running towards the thing I want, but the effect is that I feel more estranged and exiled in the end. It has become clear to me that what I am to do now is just stand still. I need to confront my bete noire, not run from it.In that same entry I re-quoted Thoreau from an earlier entry on July 7, 2008. Even though I didn't hold this quote in my memory, I can look back and know that I followed its advice.

If one advances steadfastly in the direction of his dreams and endeavcrs to life the life he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours.

Reading that quote makes me feel a little better, because I at least know that all the big decisions and many of the little decisions I've made since then have been in service of my dream regardless of whether I can clearly see that they are leading me to my goal.I will keep advancing in the direction of my dreams, hopefully with increasing confidence, and eventually with success unexpected in common hours.